We’re now two months away from the world’s favorite holiday, and I can hear it now: children singing, sleigh bells ringing, and Jack Frost nipping at your nose. You’re about to be visited by a jolly old saint who grants you either a few gifts or a moral crisis, depending on how your year went. And, like every year, we as a student body need to remember the real reason for the season: not gifts, not reindeer, but the impeccable music that brought us here. That’s right, Mount Pisgah, let your heart be light, because we’re coming up on the best holiday of December: Spotify Wrapped Day!
We’ve all felt the shame of having an objectively bad music taste, because we’ve all been in seventh grade. But now, we’re high school students, preparing to set out into the world for our lives and careers. And we’re College Prepped and Life Ready, right? Wrong.
Ever since last year’s Spotify Wrapped dropped, we’ve all become complacent. Every day, I log onto Spotify in search of joy, and I am met with disappointment. Every day, I bear witness to the atrocities my friends commit against the name of music. Every day, I see hints of the American Southeast’s clearly most destructive natural disaster this year: the music taste of Mount Pisgah Christian School and its constituents.
I’ve polled a few experts, and the results are in. Did you know that every time one of your friends listens to Party Rock Anthem unironically, an angel loses its wings and hurtles face-first toward a sloshing crater of lava below? Did you know that every time you shuffle your Liked Songs or press play on Viral Hits, you are contributing to a pandemic far greater than any human has seen in the past five years?
My research has been labeled inaccurate before, typically by a frustrated Mrs. Saari, so I decided to verify my information with the help of music’s shrewd guru: the oddly specific Spotify Daylist. Perfectly aligning with my assertions, Mount Pisgah AP Statistics teacher Mr. Smad Bith shares his statistical analysis of music taste: “The awesomeness of one’s Daylist name is directly proportional to one’s value as a human.” That’s real data, folks.
Unfortunately, Mr. Bith’s statistics do not look good for our student body. After polling six hundred Mount Pisgah students, two notable Daylist names of the many horrific ones stood out: “bilingual divorced dad Mariah Carey Monday afternoon” and “1790s goth marxist Sunday morning.” I’ve even found myself with the occasional “repulsive maidenless disaster Thursday evening” (this was my rude awakening on the subject). The horror of these daylists speak for themselves; it is time to make a change.
Patriots, it’s time to wake up. The unwavering eye of Spotify rests on all of us, and he will strike very, very soon. So, the next time you fumble for your left AirPod at the bottom of your backpack, I urge you to pick a song that doesn’t make everyone shield their eyes in abject horror. Remember, the less esoteric your playlist is, the less others value you as a human being. If you can’t seem to change, maybe try listening with Apple or Amazon Music. For others committed to the cause, though, maybe try listening to someone legitimately underground, like The Beatles.
