7:00 a.m.: Wake up, brush your teeth, eat breakfast and pack your school bag. Look both ways on the walk to your car; you never know who waits for you in the bushes beside your house. Remain hyper-vigilant; enemies could be anywhere.
Alternatively, wake up at 4 a.m. and hide in the bushes outside your target’s house. Don’t be discouraged when your target sleeps in their car to avoid your line of fire. This is a perfectly common setback. Then, of course, go to school. Take quizzes, send emails with lots of exclamation points, write an article for the school newspaper, and try not to think about how you only got four hours of sleep last night.
3:00 p.m.: Dangerously speed home, or, if you play a sport, revel in your temporary safety at practice. Do not stay for the end-of-practice huddle; you have work to do.
5:30 p.m.: Apologize profusely to your coach for leaving practice preemptively. Explain that you “don’t want to get eliminated from the competition,” and watch his face twist into confusion. Quickly explain, and be on your way.
6:15 p.m.: Arrive at home, and meditate for five minutes to escape the crippling paranoia of Senior Assassin. It doesn’t work.
6:20 p.m.: Try again.
6:25 p.m.: Five more minutes.
6:30 p.m.: Still paranoid, give up on meditating and decide to try the offensive. Locate one of your targets, and drive to their house. Wait for 40 minutes in their driveway, not once thinking of the piles of untouched homework due tomorrow sitting on your desk at home.
7:10 p.m.: Watch with a satisfied smile as your target finally pulls into their driveway. Water gun in one hand and camera in the other, watch the joy drain out of your target’s eyes when they realize they’re being eliminated. Take pride in this moment, and engage in a celebratory dance of your choice. Make sure this dance is not being recorded. Insincerely apologize to your opponent for taking them out, and walk off with a triumphant glow.
8:00 p.m.: Arrive at home and tell your family about your spectacular achievement. Rate the proudness of their response on a scale from one to 10, and see if it exceeds three–it most likely does not. If it does, consider becoming a full-time ninja.
9:00 p.m.: Go to bed smiling, or maybe even start your homework. Either way, get ready for another day of chronic paranoia tomorrow. That’s what senior year’s all about, after all.
