No Question is a Dumb Question: Your Teacher Offer Their Advice

You reached out anonymously to some of our wisest teacher for help, and they have heard your heartfelt cries. (Note: as usual, teachers’ names have been altered to protect their identities)


Dear Dr. Glennly,

I’ve been thinking a lot about what to study in college. What are the pros and cons of being an English major?

From, Undecided

Dear Undecided,

I’d say it’s more about the pros than cons! (If you get that joke, you should be an English major.) You can use an English degree to teach English or to get another English degree. You can also use it to correct people’s grammar, which is particularly useful if you want to die friendless and alone. But think of the job security: what English majors do can’t be automated. Robots can’t write good stories. They can, however, write Hallmark Christmas movies. Don’t let the robots win.

Dr. Dann Glennly

Dear Professor Grover,

I don’t know if I should go to prom this year. My friends all have dates but I don’t yet. What do you think I should do?

Love, On the Fence

Dear On the Fence,

Why should you sit at home because you do not have a date? Not having a date can be a plus. You do not have to worry about your date being possessive, jealous, or doing something stupid and embarrassing you. The only person you have to worry about is yourself. So get your perfect dress or awesome tux, go to dinner with your friends, take lots of pictures, and dance the night away at the prom. Years later when you look at the pictures, it won’t matter whom you did or did not go to the prom with. Just know that you did not sit at home, feeling sorry for yourself and missed out on a good time because you did not have a date. Special times do not get a do-over. Hope you have fun. Come tell me all about it with your pictures.

Professor Deer Grover

Dear Mr. Smithers,

How do you do taxes? The fantastic Mr. Goodroe told me to just use TurboTax, but I think I want to be a more independent citizen than he is. Do you have any tips/tricks?

All the best, Eager to Adult

Dear Eager to Adult,

First and foremost, don’t rush to be an adult. Being a kid and having others be responsible for you only lasts a few years. Enjoy it while you can!

I would also recommend that you use TurboTax. I have extensive experience evaluating the math aptitude of young men and women and have found that they simply aren’t very good at mathematics. TurboTax will do all of the math for you, so it’s nearly impossible to make mistakes. Well…I say that, but I have often thought there’s no way a young person could make a mistake—but they still do.

Just remember…”In this world, there is nothing certain but death and taxes.”

Mr. Darb Smithers